She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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