i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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