I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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