I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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