I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
