4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
