I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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