Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
