I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
