watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
