I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
