I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
