from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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