Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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