Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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