I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
