The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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