sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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