just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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