last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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