Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
