omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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