Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
