you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
