i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
