he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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