A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
