Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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