come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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