On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
