its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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