I can text with my tongue
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
