New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
