I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
