If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
