I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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