Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
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I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
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I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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