You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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