I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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