She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
