I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
