$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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