i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
