my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
don't judge my taste in strippers
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
