Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
