Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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