I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
