I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
