I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
