rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I can't trust your balls anymore.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
