I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
