My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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