Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
