As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
