I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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